What Is This Cocktail Fork You Speak Of?

I’m happy to report the more time I spend in New Orleans, the more I learn what I ought to do or say. (Unfortunately, this is a process of elimination that usually begins with me sticking my foot in my mouth. At which point I realize, too late, what NOT to do or say.) My biggest fear is to inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings, so please allow me to apologize…in advance…to the entire city of New Orleans, as my family transitions from the Bluegrass State. Although the proverbial road is long before me, I have high hopes that one day…I, too, will proudly bear the moniker of a NOLA “local.”
In the meantime, it appears you can take this girl out of Kentucky, but you can’t take the Kentucky out of this girl. Thankfully, I’ve recently made the acquaintance of three lovely locals. Little do they know, they are my new BFFs, a trio I refer to as The Super Heroes. These gals are sharp, funny and beautiful. Sweet BB, LG, and JC continue to gently and diplomatically share nuggets of wisdom, for which I will be eternally grateful. Bless their hearts, the poor things have had to start at the absolute, very beginning with me. But to their credit, even in a matter of weekends, I’ve learned several crucial lessons regarding the metamorphosis from “tourist” to “local”. The early fundamentals include phonetics, and food.

TOP TEN WAYS TO REMOVE ALL DOUBT YOU’RE NOT A NEW ORLEANS LOCAL…YET10. Sit down in front of a shrimp & crab platter and announce your seafood experience, thus far in life, consists of tuna salad sandwiches
9. Wear a sweater and winter coat in mid-November, instead of shorts and a blouse
8. Appear bewildered at the drive-thru window of a store serving Take Out Daiquiris
7. Get lost on the way to Bourbon Street for dinner
6. Ask your realtor to suggest homes north of Espionage (instead of Esplanade - Es-plah-nade)
5. Forget the French culture and ask the concierge where nationally known Gala-‘tor-ees is located, instead of Galatoires (Gal-uh-twah-z)
4. Remember the French culture and ask for museum suggestions in ‘Or-lay-own-z Parish instead of Orleans (Or’leeens) Parish
3. Mention you’d love to try a pound of crayfish instead of three pounds of crawfish
2. Show up for the Po’Boy Festival, expecting only seafood sandwiches, not realizing the distinguishing feature is the bread…and there’s such a thing as a Po’Boy Hamburger
1. Keep referring to the city as New Or-‘leeeens. Apparently rule number one is: pronounce the name as New ‘Or-Lenz. End of story.

Of course, I’m still a novice. Perhaps the best advice was given by my new Super Hero BFF JC: “Leigh, just think about what you WANT to say, and then say the opposite.”
Watch out New Orleans, here we come!