I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I have perfected the process of mortifying my children before they even set foot on the school bus. You, too, can be an “EMBARASSING!” parent, without too much effort. Here are some of the tools in my mortification arsenal, feel free to borrow as you please:
1. No need to put on your contacts the moment you wake up. Don your ginormous plastic coke-bottle-lens eye glasses from 1989. Combined with spiky bed-head hair, it’s just the look your children will be proud of when the neighbors come over to wait with you for the bus.
2. Don’t worry about dressing up for the occasion. Pajamas are more than appropriate, especially if you’re wearing the cozy pink fuzzy socks that look like little piglets with the felt face on the front where your toes are and the curly tail behind your heel. If I’m feeling in a particularly Vogue mood, I go with a patriotic tie-dye oversized T-shirt, red/white polka dot PJ pants. Combined with the pink socks – trend setting.
3. Don’t forget those last minute reminders: did you pack your homework? Did you remember your snack? Did you go tinky-wink so you won’t need to go potty as soon as you walk in the school doors? (I find it’s more effective to wait until the neighbor kiddos are on the porch with you, this way, you have an audience and can make sure that EVERYONE is ready for a productive school day.)
4. Drag the brush, assorted head bands and bows out on the porch with you and brush the girls’ hair while you wait. Then when the neighbors hear the screaming, moaning and gnashing of teeth, they may simply peer out their window and realize you’re merely detangling hair and not actually beating your children mercilessly.
5. When you notice a crumb of Cheerios, or a dab of milk on your child’s chin, make sure to wipe it off. No need to be quick, lick your finger to get enough moisture and really rub their little face clean. It’s also comforting to say things like, “Mama’s takin’ care of her little baby!”
6. Often, the children will decide to use the few minutes prior to the bus arrival to tend your hedges. Make sure the proper clipper tools are available so that even at 7 in the morning, you, too can shout, “No running with scissors!” (I find the best motivation for before-school yard work is to dress your children in clean, fairly new clothes. Yearbook “picture day” is always nice for muddy escapades).
7. Always bring a cup of tea on the porch with you. This can double as a miniature wading pool for those treasures your children discover in the grass. “MOM! Look at this cool bug, it’s perched on my finger, I think it can fly, Oops. MOM it CAN’T swim! Mom get it out of your drink, it’s gonna die! Oh look, there’s a snail on that rock…”
8. Make sure you get your last minute good-bye kisses and hugs. I like to insist on the European style of one peck on each cheek. Keep insisting until the children beg you to stop. And then tackle them with a bear hug. I find it effective to actually pick each child up and swirl them around in a circle until they are giggling and shouting for mercy. (Again, the larger your audience of neighbors, the better.)
9. Insist on speaking “their language.” Use hip words/phrases like: “way cool,” “OMG,” “whatever,” “BTW”, “IDK,” “Is that one of the RARE silly bands?” They appreciate the fact that you can hang tough with their friends. Any references to the Jo Bros, Hannah Montana, Camp Rock are a definite plus. Bursting out into spontaneous song will garner huge mortification points.
10. Stand up, alternate between waving and blowing giant kisses as the children board the bus and walk down the aisle to their seats. You’ll know it’s time to stop when you can visibly see the kids (yours, the neighbors’, et.al) rolling their eyes through the rectangular window panes on the side of the bus.
At this point, your work here is done.
It’s time to head inside, shower and prepare for a day of volunteer work in the classrooms.
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